My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
