There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this is an emotional support booty call