he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap