bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You are a genius and a whore.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.