I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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