I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
