Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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