Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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