Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
