Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
