I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
