you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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