I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
