I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You've changed since you got that strap on
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
