I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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