you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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