just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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