Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
