cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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