alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
