i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
