Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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