I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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