Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
