fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
