Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
