Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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