I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
