Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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