you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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