Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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