The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
