Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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