I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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