More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I need to stop coming to work sober
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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