I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
