woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
