Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
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You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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