Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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