If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
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