This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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