is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
