his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
