i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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