She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
