HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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