he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
