Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I FOUND THE LEGS
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
