When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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