I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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