you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're too hungover to prance.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
