I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i love accidental penises.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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