i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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