The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
