well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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